Thursday, February 21, 2013

Parenting...tough stuff

It really isn't anything to get worried about, but being a parent is sometimes hard.  You try to be the best parent you can be, and then get information that you are probably contributing to the problem.  It is hard not to feel like a mini failure.  Our school has been lucky enough to have had 3 seminars with a very cool teacher, parent, coach, and tutor named Megan Stone.  She also has been working with the entire staff at the elementary school to coordinate a complete effort from home to school when it comes to basically empowering kids.  Her subject is called Tools for Schools.  Part of it is learning and teaching your kids organization techniques, but also just to key the kids into taking control of their schoolwork as though it is their job.  Actually, school is their job but it isn't something that they can just sit and enjoy, they need to be an active participant.  Where the parents (and me in particular) can throw a wrench into things is how much we take over things for the kids.  I solve problems, I set schedules, I remind rather than let happen what will happen in order for the kids to learn from their mistakes.

So last week, I heard basically the same message from two different sources that I need to let Trevor figure things out for himself.  This is NOT to say that I ignore questions or talk through issues with him, just that he is the one that has to come up with the questions on his own, if he gets stuck.  If he forgets something, gets a poor score on a test, or makes a behavior mistake, it is up to him to figure out how to change it for the future.

One of the big changes is having a weekly meeting, just him and I to discuss the next week of activities and homework.  It is a chance to plan out our next week, have him sync up his planner and let me know what he needs from me.  We also chat about feelings, highs and lows from the previous week.  This week he expressed his fear to me that I was trying to push him out of the nest, basically.  He said he thought he would feel very lonely.  I reassured him that I wasn't going anywhere, but that it is better to learn these skills now, especially how to remind yourself of something important, rather than continue to depend on me to remind you when I'm not going to be able to drive you to your job and remind you all the things you need for your events in your life.  But it was at this meeting that it was very evident how dependent Trevor had become on me.  And it was also then when I knew I didn't do a very good job at teaching him independence.  Now I know I'm not the worst mother out there.  Today on Dr. Phil there was a mother with older teenage kids that she still flossed their teeth for them among many other things.  So no, I know I'm not an extreme parent.  But today, it was SO hard to bite my tongue and let him go without doing a number of things that I constantly remind him to do.

Another thing that we are going to continue to work on is open communication between his teacher, Trevor, and I.  Right now, we primarily communicate via email, and now that Trevor has his own email, he will get cc'd on everything appropriate.  The only thing that may not be included are feelings that he might be embarrassed about that he would not feel comfortable directly talking to his teacher about.  Really, when you think about it, what good does a parent/teacher conference do when the child isn't there to contribute to the discussion or make plans how to work on his/her own strengths and opportunities?

So here we go.  On to a new place.  It is interesting to me that when it comes to teaching Gwen these same things, I feel as though she is already ahead of the game.  Although she doesn't have homework like Trevor does, she is much more willing to take charge of her things she needs to do for school.  Trevor was much more willing to let me help him.  I guess it is just the natural differences between the kids, but hopefully when Trevor succeeds with his tasks, it will cause him to take such a big pride in his work that it will be worth the difficult learning times ahead.  Only time will tell....

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